By Barbara Rose, Ph.D. I used to be the worlds biggest doormat, so I speak from personalexperience here. If you are a doormat, then you havenot taken personal responsibility to actively change your life. Instead, you whine, cry, feel miserable, dance as the controllerpulls your puppet strings, and choose to remain in your familiarcomfort zone of misery. You dont dare to risk the unknown. You dont dare to love yourself. You dont dare to see yourself existing and even thriving under the dictates of no one but yourself. Perhaps you are not being controlled, but you have beenstuck in a pattern of trying to get your partner to respond toyour needs. Did you ever consider that you could stop trying,and fill those needs yourself? The reason so many of us are trying so hard is that we eachhave a hole within, and that hole can only be filled by ourselves,which is the hardest thing to do. Do not think that as the author of this book, I sit on athrone of relationship perfection, all whole, all together,without a shred of work to do on myself. That would be the lieof the millennium. We learn the most from our greatest mistakes. When wetry so hard to force another to be or act a certain way, and weare unsuccessful, we are left with only one choice: the mirror. Wanting to know why others treat us the way they do is likeasking the mirror why it shows us our reflection. What you see in the mirror are your areas of growth, notthe other persons. You have a responsibility to open youreyes to your growth rather than to focus on the otherpersons. Ask yourself, What do I want from my partner that I amnot giving to myself? If a pattern repeats itself in your relationships,ask yourself, What am I trying to get? What outcomesam I so attached to? You will find that there is anarea within that needs to be healed by you.For me, that area involved love and validation. To be perfectlyloved meant that I was lovable. It was the proof Inever had growing up. It was the validation I never hadwhen I was a child. I sought love from someone else to fill that hole within.That hole caused me to feel and act needy and clingy; itcaused me to give, give, and give. I felt depleted, hurt, angry,and resentful. What I really needed most was to love and validateme, need me, and be good to me. I learned that ifsomeone else could not do that for me, for whatever reason,it was not a reflection of my own worth. The behavior of another never reflects your own worth.It may be, however, a genuine reflection of a part of you thatlies so deep and is crying out to be healed. This healing onlyyou can give to yourself. It can never come from another.And the more we try to get it from another, the more resistancewe will encounter. Eventually, the resistance builds to the breaking point.We pull, and tug, and demand, when all the while we needto pull back, pull within, and reach deep down to bring outwhat we are so afraid we can never get: love. Beneath the veneer of status and success, so many of usjust want to feel we are lovable, worthy, accepted, and valued.The other night in my kitchen, I thought of a simple analogy.If you were a doughnut, and you sought to fill your holewith love from another doughnut, and it poured its flour intoyour center hole, would it ever fill it? No matter how manydoughnuts (or relationships) you go through, no one can fillthat hole within. No matter what others do, your hole will stillbe there. But if you fill your own hole with self love, approval, validation,and joy, then you will truly enjoy what others add, becauseyou will feel and be complete. I admit that I just learned this. I made mistakes, had failures,and focused on another person when all the while Ishould have been giving to myself. The pressure we place on others to fill that hole drivesthem away. It is not fair. It is not necessary, and it mustchange. You must change it. I had to learn to love me and giveme what I kept trying so very hard to get from another.I had to learn to recognize the pattern. And I learned thatwhenever I went into giving overload, pouring out my heart,giving to another with little or no return, that was when Ineeded to give to myself. When we recognize an old, ingrained pattern, then we take personal responsibility to change it for the better. As we change the patterns, the negative effects they havehad on our lives go away, and we heal. As the inner pain goes away, we feel peace. That is what Ifeel when I heal. Pure inner peace. I found my source of loveand fulfillment: it lies within. It does not lie within the other.It lies within oneself. If you have ruined a relationship due to this commonpattern, take heart. If the one you love truly loves you, he orshe most probably will return. Your new, authentically empowered,and genuine growth will be felt, seen, sensed, andwill naturally bring what you were previously seeking fromthe other. The pressure will be gone. Your inner need will begone. Then, you can have the type of relationship you want.So, again, what do you want for yourself?How do you prefer to feel when you are in a relationship? If you consciously choose to create the relationship youdeserve with your self, you will find that you will no longerentertain the company of those who undermine you or thosewho simply are not right for you. You will never settle again! Would you serve cookies and tea to a person who walked through your front door and defiled your home? No, you would not! So why would you continue to serve a person who defilesyou on a daily basis? A person who does not honor and respectyou? Your whole paradigm will change once you receive whatyou need from your inner self. If these issues surface in one partner in a truly empoweringrelationship, his or her healing will naturally spark thedesire for healing in the other partner. There would be nostruggle. Change would be a matter of preference, not obligation.The other would either grow or not. We do not have any right to demand that another grow for us. The growth of another is not our responsibility. Yet, relationships bring out our greatest challenges. Thatswhy they are so special. When we honor and respect the ideathat self growth, relationship growth, and getting to the otherside of those challenges requires time, patience, and dedication,we are not so inclined to throw in the towel when we encounterproblems. That is the beauty of working through the challenge: therewards are indescribable. Sometimes a breakup is the only way to bring about theenvironment we need for self-contemplation andself-realization. A breakup is not the worst thing in the world. Sometimes, itis the darkness before the dawn: the darkness of introspectionand self truth, which reveals to us our greatest mistakes, ourareas most in need of healing, and our responsibility to comeout of that darkness a far better person than we were before.A breakup can be a healthy break away from the old waysinto brighter days ahead. Yes, breaking away from the old patterns is scary, and it isthe fear itself that makes it difficult to move from recognizingthe problems to actually doing something about them. So, how do you start to change a negative pattern in a relationshipwith someone you love? Or someone you only thinkyou love when what you really love is the security of feelingyou are not all alone? Well, either way, you begin by loving your self. If you are married or living together, do not get caught upin the negativity of the others dysfunction. You do not haveto fight back when you are faced with negative comments.You certainly do not have an obligation to cook, do laundry,clean, or be home for this person either. If you are barraged with undermining treatment, just dothings for you. Cook for yourself only! Take yourself out to amovie at night, alone! Go out to dinner, alone, or with afriend or neighbor. And do let your negative partner knowthat when he or she has grown enough to display commoncourtesy and respect toward you, then you would be happyto do those things again. No fighting, no hysteria, and no you to turn to, to fulfilltheir needs, when they do not treat you with the respect youare entitled to. As you take a stand for you, remain calm andpeaceful. As you grow to love you, something wonderful happens. Your need for the other vanishes. If they do desire your company, then they will treat youappropriately. And then you can choose to be there for themagain. Copyright by Barbara Rose, All Rights Reserved. Excerpt from Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth and Your Life. Published by The Rose Group (2003) ISBN: 097414570X Barbara Rose, Ph.D. is the best selling author of nine books including If God Hears Me, I Want an Answer!, Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE, and Know Yourself. She is an internationally recognized expert in personal transformation, relationships, consciousness and spiritual awakening, and a pioneering force in incorporating Higher Self Communication, the nondenominational study and integration of humanity’s God Nature into modern personal growth and spiritual evolution. Dr. Rose is known for providing life changing answers, quick practical coaching and deep spiritual wisdom to people worldwide as the Founder and Director of IHSC, Institute of Higher Self Communication. Her highly acclaimed books, public speaking events, spiritual intensives, teleseminars, webcasts, and internationally published articles have transformed the lives of thousands across the globe. Dr. Rose works in cooperation with some of the greatest spiritual leaders of our time, to uplift the spiritual consciousness of humanity. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Barbara_Rose,_Ph.D. http://EzineArticles.com/?How-Romantic-Relationships-Reflect-Your-Self-Worth&id=347879 american pharmacy phentermine buy phentermine online no perscription phentermine pills without prescription buy adipex phentermine